She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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