just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
