took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
