The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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