i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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