Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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