I puked a lego.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
