My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
