Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
