so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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