I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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