Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
