I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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