Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
