who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
