Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
