so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
