I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
