Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
