Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
