I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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