Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
