i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
