I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
