official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
