you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
