matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
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