I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
