The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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