I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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