Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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