Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
