He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
