Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
