So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
