my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
