Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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