You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Randomize
