Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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