How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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