Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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