I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
