Cold hands, warm shart.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
