I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
