yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
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