I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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