I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
