Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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