If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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