I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
