Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
