im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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