I am spending my child support on dildos
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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