There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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