I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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