I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
