Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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