he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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