I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
