I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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