Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
